waste

I am just so tired of life in general.
It feels like no matter how much hard work and how I persevered in some things, I just never get equivalent returns.
Not even close.
The past 12 months has been nothing less of a struggle for me and it still is.
Being away from where I once belong haven't helped either.
Day by day, I could only see and watch how fake people can be and how humans would do anything for the sake of attention to the extent where they do not give a shit even if they lose themselves in the long run.
I wish I could be more oblivious to these little details that breaks my heart each time I'm not.
My smile, which I used to get compliments for, has faded.
Genuine laughters that make my stomach hurts only come by once in a blue moon.
Constant fear of getting disappointed by myself and everyone else puts me into this tightness I cannot easily ease.
The thought of maybe, just maybe it is me who is not good enough, it is me who expects too much and it is me who doesn't fit.
Not belonging anywhere, constantly being pushed away and the feeling of unwanted kills me.
What's even worse is knowing that everyone around me thrives in one way or another - academically, social skills, sporty, kind, good metabolism, loved - and they seem to know what they are doing most of the time.
I know I sound like a crybaby writing all these knowing that there are people out there who have it much worse than me but all these feelings, all these sadness; it's just too much to bear.