are you there?

If there is one thing I always find myself question about, it would be the presence of God.
Religion, on the other hand, is out of the question.
There was a point where I thought I was an atheist but turned out I just gave up on religion, not God.
But every now and then, I still question the existence of the almighty power that we all worship.

I find myself searching for Him when I needed help to get through life obstacles.
I seek for His forgiveness when I see someone much less fortunate than me and wishes the best for the stranger that passed me by.
I talk to Him when nights are cold and lonely.
I beg for His protection when I sense trouble.

Some days good things happen and I wonder if they are coincidence or God's will.
I never got the answers.
But when bad things happen, I blame it all on Him because He is the only 'thing' or 'person' I can rant with without feeling too bad about it.

However, if God does has a plan for everyone, why is it that some people are just luckier than the others?
Why is it that some of us never get a chance to live a better life?
Why do we feel so alone and helpless on days where we have to make great decisions?
What if He is just a creature we create in our heads to take the blame for all the unexplainable things that happen in our lives?
What if we just needed something to believe in, to hold on to in order to not feel lost?

profanity

I can still recall how the 'good girls' back in my highschool days swore to not swear.
What I'm trying to say is that they will refrain from mouthing profanities as much as they can to the extent of replacing the swear word with a noun.
In my opinion, isn't it all the same?
If you are not able to say it out loud, the voice in your mind would have said it anyway.
Truth is, that voice in your head is louder than anything else in the world.

What is exactly the point of stopping yourself from saying what you really wanted to say?
Just to portray a good image?
It is after all just another word.
If you replace the word 'fuck' with let's say 'fish', doesn't that make the word 'fish' a swear word now?
My point is, cursing doesn't mean you're a bad person.
It is just a way of expressing your anger and frustration rather than keeping it all in and bursting at an intense level.

Of course, we should know when and where to curse as it is still considerably unpleasant and immoral  to be done publicly.


Censorship feeds the dirty mind more than the four-letter word itself.

Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.

blowing the candles

Personally, I don't really buy the whole idea of celebrating birthdays.
As ungrateful as this may sound, birthdays may sometimes ( or most of the time ) burden those around you.
Birthday celebrations are more like a responsibility or an expected call for making an effort as to make sure the celebrated person's day is special.
The person celebrating it will be looking forward to the big day, having imagined the dreamiest surprise party being thrown.
Family members and close friends will have to come up with new ideas because nobody digs the same kind of celebration every year.
It becomes an even bigger confusion for people whom you've met for not a very long period of time or just got close to.
These people may not even know the celebrated person's interests well enough to start with.

Insincere birthday wishes, group singing of birthday song, random hugs, wishes on Facebook's wall ; all these are being put-on on that particular day.
To me, it is better off that you act like you don't acknowledge my birthday rather than wishing me half-heartedly.

It is better to be thought perverse than insincere.

ryan

He brings me out for dinner.
He buys me flowers and chocolates.
He carries my things for me.
He walks me to college.
He drives me to places I needed to go.
He accompanies me while studying.
He asks about my day.
He prepares healthy meals for me.

And I pushed him away. Sorry.

sorry, please and thank you

College made me realise that there are actually a lot of people who doesn't even acquire common manners.

It seems to me that many of us Malaysians do not possess the courtesy of saying the three most powerful words; 'sorry', 'thank you' and 'please'.

These few words are definitely the simplest gesture to show kindness, gratitude and appreciation but it is also one of the most undervalued habit.

Some of us are too ignorant and possibly just overlooked the need to use these words daily but some don't even acknowledge the familiarity of these words.

Imagine someone knocking you and left without saying sorry.

Imagine someone not saying thanks after copying your homework.

Imagine someone asking for your help without ending his/her sentence with 'please'.

How would you feel?

If a stranger knocked you and left without saying a word, I am pretty sure most of us would have cursed and sweared at the stranger.

On the contrary, if the same person said sorry regardless it being sincere or not, we would tell them that it doesn't matter just so they don't feel as bad.

Let's say you lent your homework to your friend to copy.

If he says 'thank you' when he returns the book, you might even consider lending it to him again.

What if he doesn't?

Who the hell is he to copy your work? He should've done it by himself. Homework should be done at home and not done by one person just to pass it around.

Same goes to the word 'please'.

If you ask for my help with a 'please' at the end of your sentence, I might say yes without a second thought.

If you don't use the magic word, I may just assume that you are demanding me to do it for you and remember, no one likes being ordered around.

Use these words whenever necessary.

Don't ever be afraid of overusing them.

Who knows you may even light up a person's day.

Courtesy is the one coin you can never have too much of or be stingy with.

how do you accept failure

Haven't wrote for such a long time I almost forgot how it feels like to spill almost everything here.
College is not exactly like what I thought it would be or I'd rather say it's nothing like what I wanted it to be.
I am more busy than I have ever been all my life.
My routine includes studying and exercising only.
Leisure time is getting lesser day by day and I don't even have the time to pamper myself anymore.
What more about sleep? It is definitely a luxury to me.
I can literally fall asleep anywhere at anytime now for the accumulation of not getting enough sleep is probably overflowing.
I have been failing to meet all my lecturers' expectations again and again.
Hard work and perseverance helps but I haven't been improving a lot.
Last week has been one awful week.
The thought of having to disappoint my parents broke me but in the end I've decided to continue what I am doing and to just put in as much effort as possible.
At this moment, I can only put as much concentration on studies as I can.
The possibilities of having fun or time for myself have to be eliminated.
Yes I am tired, more tired than I had ever been but I've got no choice.
I chose this and this is what I have to bear with.
Scrolling pictures of my high school best friends having fun among themselves definitely breaks my heart but for the next coming 11 months, this is what I have to live with.

not good enough

Surrounded by people who outshine me all the time is no fun at all.
They may be my friends and my loved ones but being the last one whom anyone will look at every single time hurts.
I do not have a hot body, a great humour, an above average face and heck, I don't even know how to socialise.
The only thing I am good at is saying mean things because I don't hide my real feelings.
Some call this being real, being myself but to me this is a weakness.
Nobody wants to hear anything bad about themselves especially not straight on the face.
Nobody cares unless it's a compliment.
I wish I could love myself more but it seems like I will never be good enough.

trap

Do you remember when your parents told you to not date at such a young age?
Have you ever wondered how would it be right now if you actually listened?
As a teenager, it is really easy to infatuate with someone.
You may think you are in love when it is just admiration.
How do you even know if that is love you are feeling in the first place?
You were not taught on how to handle love when it happens to you.
Hence, you do the most relevant thing by getting into a relationship without knowing it is all a trap.
A trap where you will be scarred for life.
As peripheral as this may sound, love is not always about having.

Do you love him because you need him or do you need him because you love him?